Why Am I Still Grieving After 3 Years Divorce?

Divorce can be very hard and leaves deep emotional scars. Even years later, many people still feel sad and lost¹. About 25% of those who have divorced say they feel grief and loss for over 3 years¹. If you’re feeling this way, you’re not alone.

Going through grief after a divorce is complex. More than half of those who have divorced feel angry, hurt, confused, depressed, and guilty even three years later². This ongoing grief can be hard, making you wonder why you can’t move on. But remember, divorce is a big loss that takes time to heal.

This article will look at why you might still be grieving your divorce years later. We’ll also offer ways to help you through this tough time. By understanding your grief and starting the healing process, you can move forward. You can find your way back to yourself and look forward to a brighter future.

Key Takeaways

• Divorce can result in prolonged feelings of grief, even years after the split.
• Over 50% of divorcees experience emotions like anger, hurt, and depression long after the divorce.
• Accepting the end of the relationship and the loss of the future you envisioned can be a significant challenge.
• Seeking professional support and engaging in self-care activities can aid in the healing process.
• Allowing yourself the time and space to grieve without rushing the process is crucial for a healthy recovery.

Understanding the Grief Process After Divorce

Divorce is a big loss, and the grief that comes after can be as deep as mourning a loved one’s death³. Kenneth Doka called this “disenfranchised grief” because it’s not always seen as a loss that needs support³.

Divorce as a Form of Loss

Ending a marriage means losing a partner, shared dreams, financial stability, and even your sense of self⁴. This mix of losses makes grieving hard⁴. If grief lasts over a year, it can turn into a serious condition called complex bereavement disorder⁴.

The Dual Process Model of Coping with Grief

The Dual Process Model says people switch between facing the loss and avoiding its pain⁴. This can make grief feel endless, especially with divorce’s complex feelings.

⁴ Most people start to feel better after about six months⁴⁵. In the first year, you might feel sad, anxious, lose weight, and have trouble sleeping. You could also feel angry, scared, resentful, betrayed, and sad⁵.

⁴ Divorce can lead to complex grief, dealing with both things you can see, like money, and things you can’t, like your identity⁴. You might feel guilty, regretful, helpless, resentful, angry, sad, frustrated, and lonely⁴.

⁴ Going through divorce, you might feel denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance, similar to Kübler-Ross’s stages⁴⁵. The second year can be tough as you adjust to being single, start new adventures, and maybe date again⁵.

⁴ If grief is too much, getting help from therapists is a good idea⁴⁵. By the third year, you might feel more stable, have finished the divorce process, and be ready for new relationships⁵.

³ A 2021 study showed that doing rituals can help with grief by letting you honor your loved one, move past a tough experience, and look forward to the future³.

³ A 2019 study found that people who went through an online self-help program felt less grief, depression, stress, bitterness, and loneliness³.

³ Ways to deal with divorce grief include doing mourning rituals, seeing a therapist, or using self-help books and support groups³.

³ There are many resources for those grieving a divorce, like DivorceCare.org for groups, Men’s Divorce and Woman’s Divorce for guides and lawyer connections³.

Mourning the Loss of Your Old Life

Divorce doesn’t just end a marriage; it also means losing the life you knew⁶. It’s hard to let go of the routines, traditions, and dreams you shared with your ex⁶. This loss is a normal part of grieving after a divorce.

Letting Go of Routines and Shared Dreams

Your marriage’s end means saying goodbye to the life you shared with your partner⁷. You lose your partner in social events, parenting, daily tasks, and as a friend⁷. Grieving involves feeling and working through the pain of these big losses.

Feeling lost and nostalgic for your old life is common⁶. The routines, traditions, and dreams you once had are gone, leaving a big empty space⁶.

Healing often means finding yourself and creating a new life path⁶. Be patient and let yourself grieve before looking forward to the future⁶.

Grieving is a personal experience⁶. Some people start new routines and traditions quickly, while others take more time⁶. Getting support from friends, family, or professionals is key during this tough time⁶.

“Divorce grief is often disguised by other feelings and emergencies, making individuals unaware of the extent of their grief.”⁷

The loss of your old life is deep, but with time, kindness to yourself, and a readiness to change, you can get through this. You’ll find a new purpose and direction.

The Ambiguity of Divorce Grief

Divorce grief is complex and often unclear, especially when your ex is still in your life. You might grieve the loss of the relationship, shared dreams, and the life you had together. Yet, your ex is still around, making it hard to move on and find closure⁸.

This mix of feelings can make it tough to fully get over the loss. You might feel relief, guilt, anger, and anxiety all at once. These feelings can slow down the grieving process⁸. Also, taking care of your kids and dealing with the divorce’s practical parts, like legal and money issues, can delay your emotional healing⁸.

Getting help from a therapist can really help with divorce grief⁹. A therapist can offer emotional support and help you understand your feelings. They can also teach you ways to cope with grief, including denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance⁹. This support can help you deal with the emotional changes and move forward with wisdom and strength.

Divorce grief can be deep and long-lasting, as you say goodbye to a big part of your life and the dreams you had¹⁰. Even though your ex’s presence makes grieving harder, it’s key to accept and validate your feelings. By getting support and allowing yourself to grieve, you can start healing and growing personally⁸⁹¹⁰.

Emotional Triggers and Reminders

Divorce can be very hard and leaves deep emotional scars. Even years later, seeing certain situations, people, or objects can make you feel the pain all over again¹¹. It’s like you’re back at square one. Divorce or separation can make you feel really down, and experts say it’s one of the toughest life events¹¹.

Seeing your ex, driving past your old home, or running into friends you shared can be triggers¹¹. After a divorce, you might feel like you’re in a tough spot, similar to being in combat or facing a disaster. You might feel sad, blame yourself, lose interest in things, get irritable, paranoid, act recklessly, have trouble focusing, or sleep poorly¹¹. Kids from high-conflict divorces might even get PTSD¹¹.

Dealing with reminders of your ex and the life you had can be tough¹². The second year after a loss can be especially hard, with many people finding it hard to work through their grief¹². Getting help from a grief coach or support group can be a big help for those struggling with grief years after a divorce¹².

Be kind to yourself and remember that these feelings are part of getting better¹³. Grief can last for 6 months for some, but for others, it can go on much longer, making it hard to move on and make new happy memories¹³. Getting help, taking care of yourself, and having a supportive circle can help you deal with these feelings and find peace after a divorce¹¹.

The Impact on Co-Parenting

For divorced parents, missing their kids full-time can bring ongoing sadness and longing¹⁴. The author shares being a single parent with full responsibility for her kids, showing the heavy load single parents carry¹⁴. Adjusting to new custody plans and schedules is hard, leading to feelings of loss and grief.

Adjusting to Life Without Your Kids Full-Time

Divorce deeply affects co-parenting¹⁵. Of 70 contributors to “Primal Loss,” all talked about lasting pain from their parents’ divorce¹⁵. They said they often didn’t get the support they needed as kids, with their feelings ignored for their parents’ needs¹⁵.

Parents must adapt to a new life without their kids always there¹⁶. Sometimes, divorce doesn’t get acknowledged publicly, making kids feel insecure¹⁶¹⁵. Adult children of divorce often struggle with trust and relationships because of this¹⁵.

To help kids adjust, ideas include using maps to show where parents live, keeping in touch online, and encouraging creativity¹⁶. Keeping the child connected to the other parent through Skype, phone calls, and stories is also good¹⁶.

The grief of not having your children with you full-time can be a constant source of sadness and longing for divorced parents.

Co-parenting can be tough, but with time and effort, you and your family can adjust¹⁴. The author talks about planning for the future and focusing on health after losing a co-parent¹⁴.

Keeping strong bonds and supporting your kids helps you manage co-parenting after divorce¹⁶. Using social media for communication between kids and non-custodial parents keeps family ties strong during divorce¹⁶¹⁴¹⁵.

why am i still grieving after 3 years divorce

Divorce is a tough and emotional journey. The initial shock may fade, but feelings of grief and loss can linger for years¹⁷. It often takes 3-5 years to emotionally recover from a divorce¹⁷.

The process of getting over a divorce is complex and personal. Healing can come in waves, with moments of pain and sadness¹⁸. Recovery has stages like denial, anger, bargaining, depression, letting go, and acceptance¹⁸. Everyone recovers at their own pace, and there’s no timeline for when the grief ends.

Many factors can make the pain of divorce last¹⁸. These include unresolved mental health issues, trouble forgiving, ongoing child-related conflict, economic and social changes, and adjusting to a new home¹⁸. Divorce is seen as the second biggest life stressor, with a score of 73 on the Holmes and Rahe Stress Scale¹⁸.

Healing from divorce is unique to each person, and it happens at their own speed¹⁸. Ways to heal include therapy, support groups, leaning on loved ones, trying new hobbies, growing spiritually, exercising, and focusing on career¹⁸.

Remember, feeling grief after a divorce is normal and valid¹⁹. Understanding the grief process and getting support helps you heal and find peace¹⁹. The initial grief can last for weeks or months, but it can become a part of who you are¹⁹.

If you’re still struggling with grief years after your divorce, get help from a professional counselor or therapist¹⁹. With time, patience, and support, you can start to heal and move forward.

Dealing with Lingering Emotions

Divorce can leave you feeling like you’re on an emotional rollercoaster, even after it’s over. Sadness, anger, and depression can stick around for a long time²⁰. These feelings can pop up when you least expect them, making it hard to move on and find peace²⁰.

Sadness, Anger, and Depression

Feeling sad about the loss of your future is common. It can take years to get over this loss²⁰. Many people find themselves grieving the loss of dreams and possibilities more than their ex²⁰. This process of mourning and adjusting can take over a year, as you come to accept the end of your marriage²⁰.

Anger is also a feeling that can stick around after a divorce. You might be mad at your ex, the legal system, or even yourself. It’s key to find healthy ways to deal with these feelings, like counseling or support groups²⁰.

Post-divorce depression is a big concern for many. It can be tough to adjust to living alone²⁰. Doing things like burning wedding memorabilia or selling jewelry can help some people work through their grief²⁰.

Be kind to yourself and get the support you need to deal with these tough feelings. With time and the right strategies, you can manage the effects of divorce and start healing and growing²⁰.

The Loss of Innocence and Dreams

Divorce can be a tough experience that shatters the belief that your marriage would last forever²¹. It’s hard to accept that your dreams and hopes for the future are gone²¹. This feeling of loss is a big part of getting over a divorce, as you deal with complex emotions²¹.

Dreams help you work through the tough feelings of divorce²¹. During REM sleep, your brain is more active²¹. It processes memories, feelings, and things you haven’t worked out²¹. Dreams can show themes like loss, separation, and the need to rebuild and find strength²¹.

After a divorce, losing innocence and dreams is a big challenge²². You might grieve the loss of the person you thought your partner was, the future you pictured, and the trust you had²³. This kind of grief, called “disenfranchised grief,”²³ is hard because it’s not always recognized or supported like other losses.

But, with time and support, you can heal and find your way again²². Use your inner strength and faith²² to start a journey of self-discovery and growth. Finding hope can help you move forward. By taking new chances and creating a new vision for your life, you can turn your loss into a chance for change.

“Grief is not a disorder, a disease or a sign of weakness. It is an emotional, physical and spiritual necessity, the price you pay for love. The only cure for grief is to grieve.” – Earl Grollman

Healing from a divorce is not easy; it’s a mix of steps forward and backward²³. By going through it and getting support, you can slowly find yourself again. You can start building a life with new dreams and chances²¹²²²³.

Letting Go of the Past

After a divorce, it’s important to let go of the past, including things that remind you of your marriage²⁴. This can feel hard and emotional, but doing rituals can help you release the past and find closure²⁵.

Rituals for Healing and Closure

Burning or getting rid of wedding memorabilia like the dress, photos, or other items can be a powerful ritual²⁴. It shows you’re ready to move on²⁵. Donating old items to charity is another way to let go of things linked to your past life²⁴.

Creating a “divorce ceremony” can also help mark the end of your marriage and acknowledge your feelings of loss²⁵. You might write a letter to your ex, swap personal items, or bury something to symbolize closure²⁴.

These rituals can deeply help you deal with divorce emotions and start healing²⁵. By letting go of past reminders, you can focus on the future and all its possibilities²⁴.

“The most difficult thing is the decision to act, the rest is merely tenacity.” – Amelia Earhart

Letting go and finding closure after a divorce is a personal journey²⁵. By trying out rituals that feel right for you, you can heal and start a new life full of hope and possibilities²⁴²⁵²⁶.

Moving Forward with Wisdom

Divorce can leave deep scars, but it can also teach us a lot about ourselves. By looking forward and dreaming of a bright future, you can move past divorce in a positive way²⁷.

Embracing New Opportunities and Dreams

It might be hard to see what’s next, but stay open to new ideas²⁸. Think about what you love, what you’re good at, and what matters to you. Then, see how you can make these things a big part of your life again²⁹. This could mean starting a new job, getting back into a hobby, or finding a new partner when you’re ready²⁸.

Starting new dreams doesn’t mean you’re forgetting the past or the pain of divorce. It’s about using what you’ve learned to make a future that’s true to you²⁹. One person said, “After five years, I see the divorce as both the worst and the best thing that happened.”²⁹

By moving on after divorce with hope, you can find new joys, make strong connections, and live a life full of purpose²⁷²⁸.

Healing from divorce isn’t straightforward. You’ll face ups and downs, but every step forward shows your strength²⁹. With time, kindness to yourself, and a readiness to face the unknown, you can move forward wisely. You’ll build a life that truly reflects who you are²⁷²⁸.

Finding Self-Love and Inner Strength

Going through a divorce can be a big journey of finding yourself. Self-love after divorce and building inner strength during divorce are key to healing. By taking care of yourself, setting boundaries, and using your own strength, you can come out stronger and more empowered.

Divorce marks the end of a big part of your life, not the end of your life³⁰. Women often face judgment and advice that can feel overwhelming. But remember, your experiences are yours alone³⁰. Focus on growing, finding your inner strength, and moving forward.

Healing after a divorce isn’t straightforward. It’s important to focus on healing rather than forgetting the past³⁰. Using coping strategies and understanding self-care can help a lot³⁰. Being open and understanding what true strength is can help you find yourself again.

Not knowing who you are after a loss can lead to feeling depressed or stressed³¹. Divorce can affect many areas of your life, making you question who you are³¹. It’s important to accept that you’ve changed and think about what you’ve gained and lost to start rebuilding yourself.

Finding self-love after divorce and building inner strength is hard but vital for healing and growing. By going through this process, you can come out with a new purpose, resilience, and the power to control your future.

“The greatest weapon against stress is our ability to choose one thought over another.” – William James

Divorce brings many losses, like losing trust, worth, love, faith, and hope³². It’s important to deal with these losses to find your self-worth and purpose again³².

By focusing on self-care, setting boundaries, and using your inner strength, you can get through the tough times of divorce. This journey is hard, but it’s key to healing and growing.

The Journey of Divorce Healing

One Step Forward, Two Steps Back

The divorce healing process is not always straightforward. You might feel like you’re moving forward, then hit a roadblock and feel the old pain again³³. This emotional ups and downs can be tough, making you feel shocked, rejected, or lost³³. But it’s important to be kind to yourself and accept these feelings as part of the healing journey.

Going through a divorce can feel like losing a part of your family³³. Some people might try to deal with the pain by staying busy or turning to harmful habits³³. But remember, healing takes time and may not always move forward smoothly³³. Sometimes, you might not really start to heal until after the divorce is over³³.

Setting boundaries and taking time for yourself is key to healing after a divorce³³. Even if it feels like you’re moving backward sometimes, it’s important to keep moving forward³⁴. There is hope for a brighter future and new beginnings after a divorce³³.

“The most beautiful people we have known are those who have known defeat, known suffering, known struggle, known loss, and have found their way out of the depths. These persons have an appreciation, a sensitivity, and an understanding of life that fills them with compassion, gentleness, and a deep loving concern.”
– Elisabeth Kübler-Ross

Remember, healing from a divorce is not a straight line. It’s full of ups and downs, twists and turns³⁴. By accepting the journey and being gentle with yourself, you can get through this tough time and come out stronger³⁵³³³⁴.

Coping Strategies for Prolonged Grief

Coping with grief after divorce can be tough, but there are ways to help. If you’ve been feeling sad for months or years, know that your feelings are real. There are steps you can take to heal and move on.

One important step is to see a therapist. Grief counseling offers emotional support and helps you understand your feelings better³⁶. It can also teach you how to cope with your grief. Studies show it helps people understand grief, improve family relationships, and heal over time.

Being part of a support group can also be very helpful. Sharing stories with others who understand can make you feel less alone³⁷. About 7-10% of adults experience prolonged grief, so these groups offer a sense of community.

Self-care is key to dealing with grief. This means doing things like writing in a journal, meditating, exercising, or just taking time for yourself³⁷. Grief can make it hard to focus or make decisions, so self-care can help you feel more in control.

Finding healthy ways to express your feelings is also important. This could be through art, writing, or sports³⁷. Grief often brings deep sadness, and these activities can help you deal with it in a positive way.

Remember, getting over grief takes time and kindness towards yourself. With the right support and strategies, you can get through this tough period. You’ll come out stronger and ready for what’s next.

“Grief is not a disorder, a disease or a sign of weakness. It is an emotional, physical and spiritual necessity, the price you pay for love. The only cure for grief is to grieve.” – Earl Grollman

Conclusion

Life after divorce is a big change, but you can come out stronger with the right mindset and strategies³⁸. Even though divorce rates have dropped a bit in the U.S. lately³⁸, it’s still tough, especially if you were married a long time³⁹.

It’s important to feel the sadness and accept the end of your old life⁴⁰. Recognizing the pain and confusion of divorce helps you move forward with kindness towards yourself⁴⁰. With support and time, you can work through tough feelings and find a new path.

Starting anew after divorce is tough, but focusing on loving yourself and exploring new chances can help³⁹. Remember, healing from divorce isn’t straightforward, but with determination and growth, you’ll come out stronger and more true to yourself³⁹.

Source Links

1. https://www.helpguide.org/articles/grief/dealing-with-a-breakup-or-divorce.htm
2. https://www.brides.com/reasons-the-pain-of-divorce-is-hard-to-get-over-1102713
3. https://psychcentral.com/blog/how-to-grieve-after-divorce
4. https://www.verywellhealth.com/divorce-grief-5208157
5. https://lifeconnectionscounseling.com/3-pivotal-first-years-divorce/
6. https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/contemplating-divorce/201505/how-know-if-you-re-stuck-in-your-grief-post-divorce
7. https://uptoparents.org/view-article.aspx?articleid=12
8. https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/a-better-divorce/202401/why-do-we-experience-delayed-grief-after-a-loss-or-divorce?
9. https://www.firstsession.com/resources/divorce-stages-of-grief
10. https://ask.aftertalk.com/mourning-a-former-spouse/
11. https://www.verywellmind.com/post-divorce-trauma-4583824
12. https://www.griefincommon.com/blog/grievinginthesecondyearafteraloss/
13. https://www.webmd.com/balance/grieving-and-stages-of-grief
14. https://www.huffpost.com/entry/marriage-divorce-ex-death-coparenting_n_614dc840e4b0016411934c98
15. https://ifstudies.org/blog/the-adult-children-of-divorce-find-their-voice
16. https://blog.dc4k.org/archives/3856
17. https://www.thegirlfriend.com/relationships/5-years-after-my-marriage-ended-im-still-not-over-it
18. https://www.onlinedivorce.com/blog/when-divorce-still-hurts-even-years-later/
19. https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/better-divorce/202109/when-will-the-grief-after-divorce-end
20. https://medium.com/heart-affairs/your-deepest-divorce-grief-will-have-nothing-to-do-with-your-ex-34bee921bcb0
21. https://hellodivorce.com/divorce-advice/common-dreams-during-divorce-and-what-they-mean
22. https://khcb.org/upliftd-living/finding-hope-in-grief/
23. https://www.affairrecovery.com/newsletter/founder/infidelity-how-betrayed-grieve-properly
24. https://whatsyourgrief.com/grief-and-the-fear-of-letting-go/
25. https://www.helpguide.org/articles/grief/coping-with-grief-and-loss.htm
26. https://elisebuiefamilylaw.com/how-long-does-divorce-grief-last/
27. https://proverbs31.org/read/devotions/full-post/2021/02/01/when-divorce-leaves-you-mourning-the-death-of-the-living
28. https://separ8.co.uk/tips-advice/how-to-heal-and-start-rebuilding-your-life-after-divorce/
29. https://lessonsfromtheendofamarriage.com/2015/01/20/unwanted-divorce/
30. https://medium.com/@manishamanoharan.bme/navigating-life-after-divorce-a-survival-guide-f2b0bc678db
31. https://whatsyourgrief.com/dont-know-anymore-grief-loss-identity/
32. https://www.chooserecoveryservices.com/navigating-loss-after-betrayal-and-divorce/
33. https://jengrice.com/divorce-is-a-death-of-someone-still-living/
34. https://goodmenproject.com/featured-content/knowing-this-one-thing-helped-me-recover-faster-from-my-divorce/
35. http://www.christiansanddivorce.com/a-journey-through-divorce/
36. https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/a-better-divorce/202401/why-do-we-experience-delayed-grief-after-a-loss-or-divorce
37. https://www.oakstreethealth.com/coping-with-grief-and-loss-6-tips-for-healing-1782782
38. https://extension.okstate.edu/fact-sheets/transitioning-through-divorce-grieving-the-lost-marriage.html
39. https://sasforwomen.com/divorce-anniversary-my-third-year-of-being-imperfect-but-free/
40. https://secondfirsts.com/2014/06/death-vs-divorce-the-battle-of-the-giants/